Parents mention this topic when they discover that your Mrs is pregnant, and it slides past almost unnoticed. Nappies? Piece of piss. For the most part it is, however, during those first ‘blissfull’ months when you're both new to things it can be murder. How frightnening is it when mid nappy-change a wee fountain shoots up in front like a baby sized firework? Two days into the world our youngest son decides to projectile poo mid-change and yours truly was caught in the firing line. Time slowed in true Matrix fashion as I arced backwards, arms flailing. Looks like chicken korma, stains like chicken korma, smells like chicken faeces. Those ‘ready meal’ jars are chemical weapons; the odour goes completely off the scale. Actual mother’s milk poo (and I use that word quite literally in it's loosest sense) isn’t that horrendous. Yeasty would be the best word to describe it. You also have to remember and actually toss them – surprisingly not always uppermost in your mind. One left in a room for an hour makes a very unappealing pot pourii I can tell you. At one point I seriously thought about running a length of string from the bedroom window to the wheelie bin lid outside. Enabling me to dispose of them in one fluid motion (so to speak). Let’s not even mention when nappies (very occasionally) leak or the dreaded 'rash'. Not forgetting Meconium too or infant constipation, a babies poo is a rich and varied tapestry of experiences - mostly smelly. The Holy Grail though is when your child gets a bit older and more predictable. You can almost set your watch by them. Even better is when they come out in little vacuum-sealed self-contained lumps. Not plastered on like badly done Artex (I cannot stress this enough - ALWAYS use a barrier cream). There may be light at the end of the tunnel for us. Our eldest came up yesterday and said ‘Poo Mummy’ pointing at his rear. Potty training time maybe?
Stat of the Day: Newborn Size Asda Nappies cost 6.9p each
